Commitment

When you are single, you have all the freedom. When you are unhappy with your current situation, you change it because you believe change is the only constant. However the moment you agreed to enter a married life, you no longer be impulsive as you used to be. In my marriage, I learned compassion and be aware of the words and thoughts I have. However aware and practise are different stories. I also learned from my partner no matter what happened, family is the top priority and we are not allow to be apart from each other. I was so get used to run away when I wasnt happy with the situation so therefore I practise the same in my marriage but it doesn't work. Thanks for my new journey I learn to think for others and of course it isn't easy because sometimes I have blame and I think its all so unfair to me. 

However, fair or unfair , its all depend how you see the situation. When you have tons of love in your heart, you feel excellent all the time. When you are comfortable with yourself, theres nothing can haunt you down. 

I believe in prayers and i believe in positive energy. Keep myself alive and empowered. Life is so beautiful that I should laugh with all my organs every moment. 

Encouragement

I love to write how I feel but ever since I felt in love then getting married then had my first born then had severe depression I stopped everything. Today my bestie Prissy started to blog and that encouraged me to write my feelings here again. Hope it lasts long hehe.

I lost myself and I became lazier and lazier in doing stuff for myself. Thanks to my pregnancy and sickness. I lost almost everything. But I believe at the same time I gain alot more. We learn from our tough moments. And honestly I been through a really tough time. 

To some people I am very lucky because I do not have to work and I could just relax at home. However in way we women need a balancing life. I imagined my perfect marriage before..which is... I raise up my children at home while my husband works then during weekend we go to Tzu Chi for volunteering work and go to church together. We practise vegetarianism together and we do recycling together. We love the earth and we are happy family. 

Everything was so perfect ( except my pre pregnancy minor depression due to my long hours staying home) till I was sick and had a premature baby. My in laws family started to lost trust in me and subconsciously denied every decision I made. I used to be so proud of myself especially my beliefs. However few months ago I hated myself and I cared so much how others saw me. I worried whatever I did couldn't fulfill everyone. I didnt know what I can be. I cannot go out because my baby needed me. But is that a life that I suppose to be in ? I miss my freedom. Some said wedding band gives you promising future and happiness but it actually locked my freedom and suppress the real me.  What am I suppose to do ? Stop complaining and be more appreciative? The more I force myself to be in either one of them, the more suffer I am. I want myself to be a considerate wife and mom and mother in law but I couldn't. I am a human and thats why I cannot control my emotions but I know I can control the way I response to others. I learn that by loving myself  i can be who I really are. I know that by appreciate myself more I can be happier and confident. 

God put me into this situation because He wants me to learn more and be a better mom. I didn't go through enough and of course I couldn't be a good mom in future. I believe with what had happened, I will be stronger and see life in a different perceptive. Trust myself and be the person I really wan.