World Prematurity Day

17th November is World Prematurity Day. I found this day from Fourfeetnine then ShaolinTiger Dayre and brought so much of my memory in taking care of a premature baby. This day is to raise awareness of preterm baby and the concerns of preterm babies and their families worldwide. Approximately 15 million babies are born preterm each year, accounting for about one in 10 of all babies born worldwide. ( quoted from wikipedia)

My husband and My baby boy, Arthur was born in March at 29 weeks with birth weight of 1.34kg. He was born flaccid, cyanosed and covered with meconium ( baby stool) . He was incubated at 1 minute of life.  He was admitted to NICU for 12 days before transferring to SCN at day 12 of life. Later on many things happened to him due to his infection. In general, he was discharged after 2 1/2 month which is end of May ( his due date) .

It was really awful to see our own in this situation. I didn't get to see my own son right after he was born. Reason - I was sedated when Arthur been delivered naturally with minimal bleeding. How can that be possibly happen? Praise the Lord. God was there to help us and saved both our lives. 

When I was in my 6 month pregnancy, I had minor sore throat and fever. I never expect things to get worst coz hundred of mothers got sick during pregnancy. Then I had tonsillitis. I called it "slamming spirit". Because God didn't wan me to remember all the pain I went through so I had no idea what had happened. When I woke up after 12 days Arthur been delivered, I thought he was still inside my womb. I was paralyzed for almost 2 months. 

 I remembered first time I met baby Arthur, I was on a dirty wheel chair. I was yellow and I think he didn't know who I was of course. I cried and I didnt know why all this happen. Everything was good. My blood test was amazing, baby was growing huge and we were happily waiting for him to see us. And this is what we expected. I cannot sit on wheel chair for long because I got tired easily and I couldn't move much of my hands. My husband had to take care of me and visit baby at the same. I stayed at level 9 and he was at level 4. 

I didn't have much feelings on baby arthur . I guess I missed that special moment when he was born. Plus I was really so confused by my environment. All of a sudden I became a mom. All I can do for him was to sing A mother's pray for him. He reacted everytime we played the song for him. I cant sing much because my voice was almost damaged and I talked like a kitten. 

I had no milk due to my sickness. I tried all method including power pumping and taking medicine. But it didn't kill my determination to breastfeed him. I fed with little bit of milk. It was alright. Every drops counted. I managed to breastfeed baby arthur till he was 6 months old then I totally out of milk. 

We were not suppose to take picture but I did because this is really precious moment to capture every moments of baby arthur. During my recovery, everyday I used my walking stand to visit baby Arthur at NICU with my husband. We didn't spend much time there because we cant do much . I believe baby Arthur was really in fear. 

We were separated by the incubator. We couldn't really feel like how other parents did because he wasnt ready at all. 

Finally baby Arthur was back to our home. But it seemed like the nightmare had just started because I cannot cope with the stresses and worries from husband and mother in law. I know everyone worried about him but I need support instead of worries. However, love overcomes everything. Its another story to share one day. 

“Children who are born prematurely are at a higher risk for lasting childhood disabilities as well as learning disorders and behavioral disorders,” explained Jim Helm, PhD, director of the Carolina NIDCAP Training Center at WakeMed and infant-family specialist. “Additionally, there are physical challenges that can be associated with prematurity. A child may experience growth problems, and his or her lungs are more vulnerable because they are not yet completely developed. Therefore, these children are at a higher risk for respiratory illnesses and conditions such as asthma.” (Quoted from WakeMed Voices)

And ya our son did face problems like breathing sound and I didnt know what he wan. So many first time. 

Today his actual age : 8 months 16 days ; corrected age : 6 months. And his weigh is 7.99cm height 70cm. he can turn both side and baby talk alot. Again Praise the Lord.

His breathing sound gone , his constipation problem gone, his bad drinking habit bye bye .. Im so happy with his development. 

If you are a new mom to a premature baby, do not worry and in fear. with love and commitment, everything ll be fine. 

Service Line

Its always proud to tell people that you are in a super professional line such as teacher, engineer, doctor, successful businessman and etc. How about those in service line ( though all job provide services) such as promoters, insurance agent , property agent or even an cook at hawker center ?

I just realised that when I passed stores at a hawker center, sometimes I don't even response to the person standing at the store asking if we want an order. we are actually taking them for granted. Do you have friends whose in insurance line ? How did you treat him or her ? I believe we all are afraid of friends in servicing line. So its normal we ignore or try to avoid them. But is this appropriate ? At the end of the day, we all work for a living. We shouldn't judge others because of their job. 

Its always good to be straight forward. For example, if you are not interested in making an order from the hawker, we could just say No , thanks with a smile. If you are not interested in ur friends' product, just be frank. 

Often, we take others for granted. We might be the one who made an appointment with others but we didn't even bother to cancel or to inform when we are not free. We think it is not necessary. 

Its important for us to be aware of every steps we take so that we do not hurt other people.

Re-tune Friendship

We all know Friendship  is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. MUTUAL is the key word. All these while, I believe in quantity than quality but I neglected mutual. I believe as long as its unconditional then its all worth it. However , many of my personal thoughts changed after I been through a critical moment in my life. I am awared that every relationship depends strongly on both parties. We should balance up the relationship. 

First of all, we shouldn't take our friends for granted. I believe, you definitely have friends whose always there for you no matter what. He or she probably be the one that always greet you and send energy to you. Hence you start to take it for granted. I face the same situation for years ( maybe 8 or more years) . Never too late. At least I realised it happened to me.

I think it is quite hurtful when you have friends ignored your message for at least 5 times or dun share with you some important issues in his or her life. Actually its not just about sharing or not, but its respect and honor. For example, I am in motherhood journey and some of my close friends don't . But it never stop me from sharing with them because you care about them. Just like you share everything or mostly to your family members because you care. 

So its a reminder to myself to re tune my friendship towards some particular friends. I wouldnt unfriend but I will re tune or redefine it. 

I am very clear I need friends who respect and honor me. You do not need to share w me every moments of your life but I feel your respect and honor. Theres no guideline on "taking granted" but somehow we know it. 

Career Switch to a housewife

I quit my job as a Chemical Engineer last August when I decided to start a new journey with the man I love. I took quite sometimes (though still fast) to think of the consequence but I was naive or innocent to think love can overcome everything. And then I found out I was pregnant right after my husband and my mother in law " 提亲". My mom suggested to look for a job after I delivered baby because most mother wouldn't advise their daughters to be a housewife because there are too much uncertainty. For example , what if your husband had an affair and you lost everything? What happen when you do not have savings? What happen when you are left out from the society ? What happen and what happen and more what happen. Unfortunately it was hard for a foreigner to look for job in Brunei as I married to the country. So I stayed home for my pregnancy and it was quite relaxing though really boring and I felt so useless. But good thing was I did enzyme and recycling at home and watched da ai tv most of the time and most important I spent quality time with my mother in laws. 

After delivered I was recovery from severe illness so of course I couldn't work plus I have a premature baby who needs my full attention. When the motherhood started, I couldn't cope with it and I blamed my husband of course. I think I sacrificed so much for blames and doubts from others. I hated my life. Why would I chose a path that make myself look so miserable. I must be blinded by love. I started to worry about my savings and my freedom. I lost EVERYTHING. I am taking care of a son that dun even carry my surname. I am doing something that do not promise a future. I lost hope. I no longer had freedom to go everywhere. I am like a caged woman. 

Therefore, my husband was really worried about my condition because everything didnt seem as what we expected. 

Guess Lord heard our prayer and day by day I find out this is an amazing journey. Nowadays, most women are highly educated . Hence, we think we have to be financial independent and we can voice out anything we wan. We wan gender equality. Thats how we been raised up. 

When I learn to let go my fear of losing something and appreciating what I am having, You have no idea how happy and enjoy I am in this journey. I couldn't guarantee everything will be a beautiful but it all depend how you define happiness. My happiness bring joyful to both my son and husband. We argue alot. Obviously I am full of ego and opinions. But this journey bring me to let go my ego slowly and learn to listen and fully committed to my family. 

Look at my son baby arthur. He is such a cheerful baby because he has a happy parents. Because of my happiness, he smiles and laughs from the moment he wakes up. Of course he still cries when he wants something and we do not know what he want but overall he is a super happy boy. 

My husband has tons of work in his office and he is trying his hard to build up his team. As a wife, my job is to stay positive and enjoy my motherhood so that he feels worth it for all his stress at work. We just started our new journey and money of course is a huge issue. The more we enjoy our life (not to spend like crazy women ) the happier our husband is. 

I asked my husband, which type of women attracted you most? sexy linger? cleavage?

NO he answered. Positive energy women attract him most and make him wana kiss her whole day and have many many babies with her HAHAHAHAH. 

Therefore, if you are thinking of a career switch to a housewife, why no!! Go for it as long as your husband can afford and look after your family with your full heart. Equipped yourself with knowledge and happiness because this is the energy your husband and children need. 

Commitment

When you are single, you have all the freedom. When you are unhappy with your current situation, you change it because you believe change is the only constant. However the moment you agreed to enter a married life, you no longer be impulsive as you used to be. In my marriage, I learned compassion and be aware of the words and thoughts I have. However aware and practise are different stories. I also learned from my partner no matter what happened, family is the top priority and we are not allow to be apart from each other. I was so get used to run away when I wasnt happy with the situation so therefore I practise the same in my marriage but it doesn't work. Thanks for my new journey I learn to think for others and of course it isn't easy because sometimes I have blame and I think its all so unfair to me. 

However, fair or unfair , its all depend how you see the situation. When you have tons of love in your heart, you feel excellent all the time. When you are comfortable with yourself, theres nothing can haunt you down. 

I believe in prayers and i believe in positive energy. Keep myself alive and empowered. Life is so beautiful that I should laugh with all my organs every moment. 

Encouragement

I love to write how I feel but ever since I felt in love then getting married then had my first born then had severe depression I stopped everything. Today my bestie Prissy started to blog and that encouraged me to write my feelings here again. Hope it lasts long hehe.

I lost myself and I became lazier and lazier in doing stuff for myself. Thanks to my pregnancy and sickness. I lost almost everything. But I believe at the same time I gain alot more. We learn from our tough moments. And honestly I been through a really tough time. 

To some people I am very lucky because I do not have to work and I could just relax at home. However in way we women need a balancing life. I imagined my perfect marriage before..which is... I raise up my children at home while my husband works then during weekend we go to Tzu Chi for volunteering work and go to church together. We practise vegetarianism together and we do recycling together. We love the earth and we are happy family. 

Everything was so perfect ( except my pre pregnancy minor depression due to my long hours staying home) till I was sick and had a premature baby. My in laws family started to lost trust in me and subconsciously denied every decision I made. I used to be so proud of myself especially my beliefs. However few months ago I hated myself and I cared so much how others saw me. I worried whatever I did couldn't fulfill everyone. I didnt know what I can be. I cannot go out because my baby needed me. But is that a life that I suppose to be in ? I miss my freedom. Some said wedding band gives you promising future and happiness but it actually locked my freedom and suppress the real me.  What am I suppose to do ? Stop complaining and be more appreciative? The more I force myself to be in either one of them, the more suffer I am. I want myself to be a considerate wife and mom and mother in law but I couldn't. I am a human and thats why I cannot control my emotions but I know I can control the way I response to others. I learn that by loving myself  i can be who I really are. I know that by appreciate myself more I can be happier and confident. 

God put me into this situation because He wants me to learn more and be a better mom. I didn't go through enough and of course I couldn't be a good mom in future. I believe with what had happened, I will be stronger and see life in a different perceptive. Trust myself and be the person I really wan. 

The moment I opened my eyes

Above was a picture i took with my husband after I was discharged from the hospital. What had happened the moment I opened my eyes and the story later on. I remember, when I was fully awoke, I was on the hospital bed being pushed to the labor ward as I just delivered. I was really blur. I heard a gynae explained where I was going. Then I reached a single room at labor ward. Doctors were examining me and in my memories, I told doctor I hadn't deliver and please checked on my baby. Then husband came in said I had depression due to what happened and I actually delivered already. I was so mad at him coz he lied. Baby was inside me, how can I delivered already. My tummy was really huge ( bloated) thats why I thought baby Arthur was still inside my tummy. Weird thing happened when everyone had purple colour hair ( something wrong with my eye sight for duno what reason) . I was even more confused when one of my old school mate was one of the gynae in charged. How can world be so small right. 

A doctor from rehab team came to help me with my legs. Both my legs were bloated (twice the original size) and I can only move my toes. I couldn't even turn to my both sides. I peed and pooped on bedpan . I had nightmares every nites with all sort of weird dreams. I remember I had this cover on my legs which will vibrate from time to time. Then I understand that it helped my blood circulation. I thought it will explode so i was in fear most of the time. 

Then I been moved to general ward. I thought wowowo must be a better place but oh no I had to share room with 6 person. I was really scared coz suddenly there were so many people around me. One thing I was aware at that moment was how wonderful life is to be able to move around. I look around and think why other patients are able to walk to the toilets and able to eat. I cant do neither both. I can eat and drink properly. I cant even see properly. 

I hate to ask help to pee and poo. Sometimes I peed on bed which really embarrassed me but yet I got used to it already. Then I was moved to a private room which I was so thankful for. Finally I had some privacy. However the room was freaking cold. I slept with 6 blankets. Everyday Tony covered one by one on me. They were so heavy but I felt warm underneath them. Every 2 hours Tony had to turn me to another side due to my back sore. You had no idea how serious my back sore on my butt till my vagina as well as on my head. 

It really felt uncomfy to have nurses cleaning your private everyday. I was still in my confinement thats why I was very sensitive towards cold water. Sometimes i been cleaned with cold water and I shivered. 

Of course the touching part was my husband was sleeping beside me on a lazy chair every night. The room was so cold but still he stayed in the room most of the time. I slept around 8pm and every 2 hours I woke up to pee or drink. I had to wake him up with my super tiny voice to feed him and bring me to the toilet. And ya he never complained. He was really tired and sleepy. He didn't have a night with enough sleep. Morning he had to wait for the doctors to come for check out and to see baby Arthur who was at the NICU. How stress life can be for him right. 

I only wanted my husband only coz he was with me all the time. My mom was there as well but at first I even got angry with her coz I think she was weak and she could hardly carry me . She didn't even angry at me yet she tried her best to bring me to washroom . Haiz... I was really lucky to have both my husband and mom to clean me every time I went washroom. I couldn't walk so I had to wrap my hands around Tony's neck to go toilet. 

All the inconvenient made me wanted to commit suicide so much. I tried to hold my breathe underneath the blankets for few time but I failed. When my mom was cutting fruits with the knife, I wanted to take it and kill myself. I never imagine myself to have this thought and ya it happened. I even imagined myself standing up and opened the window then jumped. I begged Tony to throw me out the window as well. Finally I understand why some people want to commit suicide. When you are hopeless and have no idea what will happen, you just want to end your life. 

No  matter how was the situation, my family never give up on me. My uncle aunty visited me daily as well as my sis. Sis even bought me toy to cheer me up. Unfortunately there was nothing that can make me happy. All I wanted was to leave the place and die peacefully at home. I begged mom to bring me home so that I can just rest then die on the sofa. Die die Die was all in my mind. 

However, day by day, I was improving. Thanks to a doc from rehab team, I was able to sit up from the bed. I was so happy coz I was on bed most of the time. Finally I can sit up. yippiee..Then a physio came everyday to help me with my walking. My mom never give up in helping me to walk. Everyday I walked a little bit. Walking used to be so easy for me  but that moment I had to use my full energy to take few small moves. 

I could never finish telling or writing what I encountered because there were too much emotions. I should have recorded but I can't even write. Oh dear, I hardly hold a pen. Tony encouraged me to write whatever I felt but I just too weak. 

I totally felt like a baby. I couldn't walk and speak and write and move much. Everyday seemed a suffer to me. How can someone's life changed so much. I was still enjoying my pregnancy and now..everything changed. 

Thank Lord that in less than 2 months time I finally can walk with my walking stand. I had my confinement one month later i delivered. I hope that it won't effect my body in future. 

Actually theres more things happened during the two months. If theres a chance, I shall share in person. Now everything almost back to normal. I can walk and run and sing as loud as I can . 
Life is so unpredictable. Appreciate and enjoy the present. We will be so happy.