Above was a picture i took with my husband after I was discharged from the hospital. What had happened the moment I opened my eyes and the story later on. I remember, when I was fully awoke, I was on the hospital bed being pushed to the labor ward as I just delivered. I was really blur. I heard a gynae explained where I was going. Then I reached a single room at labor ward. Doctors were examining me and in my memories, I told doctor I hadn't deliver and please checked on my baby. Then husband came in said I had depression due to what happened and I actually delivered already. I was so mad at him coz he lied. Baby was inside me, how can I delivered already. My tummy was really huge ( bloated) thats why I thought baby Arthur was still inside my tummy. Weird thing happened when everyone had purple colour hair ( something wrong with my eye sight for duno what reason) . I was even more confused when one of my old school mate was one of the gynae in charged. How can world be so small right.
A doctor from rehab team came to help me with my legs. Both my legs were bloated (twice the original size) and I can only move my toes. I couldn't even turn to my both sides. I peed and pooped on bedpan . I had nightmares every nites with all sort of weird dreams. I remember I had this cover on my legs which will vibrate from time to time. Then I understand that it helped my blood circulation. I thought it will explode so i was in fear most of the time.
Then I been moved to general ward. I thought wowowo must be a better place but oh no I had to share room with 6 person. I was really scared coz suddenly there were so many people around me. One thing I was aware at that moment was how wonderful life is to be able to move around. I look around and think why other patients are able to walk to the toilets and able to eat. I cant do neither both. I can eat and drink properly. I cant even see properly.
I hate to ask help to pee and poo. Sometimes I peed on bed which really embarrassed me but yet I got used to it already. Then I was moved to a private room which I was so thankful for. Finally I had some privacy. However the room was freaking cold. I slept with 6 blankets. Everyday Tony covered one by one on me. They were so heavy but I felt warm underneath them. Every 2 hours Tony had to turn me to another side due to my back sore. You had no idea how serious my back sore on my butt till my vagina as well as on my head.
It really felt uncomfy to have nurses cleaning your private everyday. I was still in my confinement thats why I was very sensitive towards cold water. Sometimes i been cleaned with cold water and I shivered.
Of course the touching part was my husband was sleeping beside me on a lazy chair every night. The room was so cold but still he stayed in the room most of the time. I slept around 8pm and every 2 hours I woke up to pee or drink. I had to wake him up with my super tiny voice to feed him and bring me to the toilet. And ya he never complained. He was really tired and sleepy. He didn't have a night with enough sleep. Morning he had to wait for the doctors to come for check out and to see baby Arthur who was at the NICU. How stress life can be for him right.
I only wanted my husband only coz he was with me all the time. My mom was there as well but at first I even got angry with her coz I think she was weak and she could hardly carry me . She didn't even angry at me yet she tried her best to bring me to washroom . Haiz... I was really lucky to have both my husband and mom to clean me every time I went washroom. I couldn't walk so I had to wrap my hands around Tony's neck to go toilet.
All the inconvenient made me wanted to commit suicide so much. I tried to hold my breathe underneath the blankets for few time but I failed. When my mom was cutting fruits with the knife, I wanted to take it and kill myself. I never imagine myself to have this thought and ya it happened. I even imagined myself standing up and opened the window then jumped. I begged Tony to throw me out the window as well. Finally I understand why some people want to commit suicide. When you are hopeless and have no idea what will happen, you just want to end your life.
No matter how was the situation, my family never give up on me. My uncle aunty visited me daily as well as my sis. Sis even bought me toy to cheer me up. Unfortunately there was nothing that can make me happy. All I wanted was to leave the place and die peacefully at home. I begged mom to bring me home so that I can just rest then die on the sofa. Die die Die was all in my mind.
However, day by day, I was improving. Thanks to a doc from rehab team, I was able to sit up from the bed. I was so happy coz I was on bed most of the time. Finally I can sit up. yippiee..Then a physio came everyday to help me with my walking. My mom never give up in helping me to walk. Everyday I walked a little bit. Walking used to be so easy for me but that moment I had to use my full energy to take few small moves.
I could never finish telling or writing what I encountered because there were too much emotions. I should have recorded but I can't even write. Oh dear, I hardly hold a pen. Tony encouraged me to write whatever I felt but I just too weak.
I totally felt like a baby. I couldn't walk and speak and write and move much. Everyday seemed a suffer to me. How can someone's life changed so much. I was still enjoying my pregnancy and now..everything changed.
Thank Lord that in less than 2 months time I finally can walk with my walking stand. I had my confinement one month later i delivered. I hope that it won't effect my body in future.
Actually theres more things happened during the two months. If theres a chance, I shall share in person. Now everything almost back to normal. I can walk and run and sing as loud as I can .
Life is so unpredictable. Appreciate and enjoy the present. We will be so happy.
