Today is almost the end of November and December is coming soon. Thats mean we gona embrace year 2013 in a while. I still remember this time last year, I had a huge tuning point in my life and I was really lost physically ( I still lost nowadays but mentally stm hahaha). That time I couldn't make decision for my life and I kinda like an "obedient pet" that been guided anyway and everywhere. sound funny ya :p Back then I didnt have much awareness and life is as simple as " if something happen, normally its others fault" "Im the best and how can I go wrong" " I am an awesome gf and friend so how dare ppl hurt me" " I have done my best, others dun appreciate me" . I have been living in my own illusion for almost 27 years. Till last November, I joined CV, well, it didnt change my life immediately, but since then, it changes my way of thinking, and it creates more chances for me to explore the real me and the value of life. Since I was exposed to The Four Agreements, I learned alot from them. Its easy to remember whats the four agreements but when come to real life, we forget about it from time to time. My close friends always remind me for having real time with myself and I always reply " ya i totally agree with you". However that "self time" last short . ooopsy :p I almost never have time for myself. Probably had for about a week ? This is one of my old pattern that I must break. Learn how to date with myself and spend time w myself. Only this special moment, the voice of knowledge keep silent while my heart speaks. I kill by my voice of knowledge ( monkey minds) most of the time and it only disappear when I allow free time for myself. Whenever problem occurs, my voice of knowledge voiced up with wrong suggestions and I didnt wan to follow them. However I still follow coz I got confuse by the truth. I know what's real happiness for me. This is the moment I feel happy. The moment where I let go my ego and listen to my heart. I committed to do better in my life and live my life with more love. There are few aspects that I would love to improve and confess as well.
Family: I used to spend so much time and efforts on my partner and I never do special thing for parents. Guess what since my mom on ipad, thing changed alot. I learn to treat her like how i treat my friends and partner. I wa with my mom most of the time and I skype her everywhere I go and everyday. I send her my ugly pics. Even tho she thinks they are ugly, but she laughs with my daddy. Of coz i send her lovely pics of me and now she thinks Im pretty. shyshy. Last nite was my first time sending my audio notes to her. She was glad and shared with my dad. I was so loved. My relationship with my parents grow even more when we share the same technology :p Thanks to apple :p I always wana do sth for my friends esp their wedding and this time I gona sing for sis wedding as per mom requested. Cant believe she requested coz she always thinks i have crap voice :p Last night I shared my wedding dream with my mom and I was happy that she accepted it hehe of coz I know one day when i really in a relationship she might complain like how she does but i believe at the end of the day she wan real happiness for me.
Career: I consider myself a super lucky bunny. I might do not have special achievements in my career and earn extra lots but I have close relationships with most of my colleagues since my first job. I had to confess that I complained alot for my official first job due to my boss temper. Well alot agreed with it, but if back then, I had more compassion, understanding and willing to look at the good side of the job , im pretty sure I could be so much happier. Im thankful that I have been another chance again. Im sure u all know Im currently working in Sg now and I have a super great working environment. Trust me, I have a super nice boss and my colleagues are best. They are not only my work mate but they are my close buddies. I feel so homey everyday when i come to work. I believe, as long as i am thankful with what I have given, everyday is the best day.
Contribution: I have been doing quite well in this field but hv to confess that I dun really commit alot. Theres always moment I wana lie on bed and spend time w bun bun at home :p knowing that I could hv done more and spend more effort together with time. I will make sure I am healthy enough to help more ppl. While doing contribution, not only we learn to help but we create our own values. Whats the values I learned from all the activities ? Seriously, I didnt practise them and I seem have difficulties in it. How to live with it instead of do it. Thats a task for myself.
Relationship: My biggest challenge in life. Reason is because I focus too much on this pillar. My biggest illusion is that I must have a partner even I dun feel good and right because I am not even getting ready. Why I say I am not ready. Reason is because I could not love with all my heart and I fear I will fail. Hence, this creates a huge conflict in me and at the same time, I hurt and pressure my partner. I know that thing will be easier if I found the right one. So why in a hurry. The challenge in me is to stay violet and understand the values I wan to created from my relationship. However I am thankful that I learned lots of values from my past relo and I grow alot from it tho I always out of power when I cant trust totally. I wish my partner could talk to me more about the problems I am facing . Well this is call expectation already. How am I gona expect him to do things I wan him to do . He is him and he has his own way to deal with our problems. I am glad that I have been given a chance to start my relationship again with myself and go deeper again. I am sure that by going through all the challenges, I am growing. I have faith in myself. Keep going and rising. I will fail again thats why I journal to remind and create the awareness. I believe I can be an empowering CuteRabbit.
So CR gona say halooo to love and byebye to fear. oopsy should be haloo to both love and fear. We will be good friends :)) Best day my beautiful people!!
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